


Pick Up Your Stupid Pieces and Glue Them Back Together

by GaHoolianGirl



Category: Free!
Genre: Airports, Angst, Best Friends, Bittersweet, Friendship, Gen, Hopeful Ending, I had negative feelings and made Sousuke experience them too basically, Rated T for the occasional F-bomb and the casual use of other less severe cuss words, Sometimes you must be an asshole to be kind is the message, Sort of? - Freeform, This is written weirdly. Like almost free form but not quite?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-24
Packaged: 2018-11-04 06:07:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10984944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GaHoolianGirl/pseuds/GaHoolianGirl
Summary: The worst part about recovering, from something physically or mentally (even worse, from both) is that really, no matter what you said you accepted, it was never okay.It could never be okay.It fucking hurts.It stays hurting.“I’m still being an ass about this, demanding all this from you. But sometimes you need me to be an ass to get you to do things. So I’ll be a jerk, until I think you don’t need it any more."





	Pick Up Your Stupid Pieces and Glue Them Back Together

**Author's Note:**

> So this is like...super negative with a spot of hope at the end. Honestly, life is sort of crashing down on me and I'm not ready for absolutely any of it, and wort of just feel worthless 24/7. So I made Sousuke feel that way, and then had Rin react like I wish I had someone to. I also felt that Sousuke, no matter whathe thought, coulnd;t totally be alright by the end of season one, and wanted to see more real, harsh reactions from him. So yeah.

The worst part about recovering, from something physically or mentally (even worse, from both) is that really, no matter what you said you accepted, it was never okay.

It could never be okay.

You can be calm about it, you can reason out that you know what’s happened has happened and that there is no way around it. But when the dream you’ve nurtured since you were small was ripped out of your hands but your own machinations, you don’t ever just start “feeling alright”.

It fucking hurts.

It stays hurting.

For the first few days. For the first month. For the first year. For the years after that.

Probably forever.

Sousuke wasn’t made of iron. He was a human, flesh and blood, perfectly capable of crying. In that one moment, his last race, he had truly felt peace, acceptance, the same as when you accept your pet has died and get a new one.

But after that day, all he felt was empty.

That euphoric moment was not eternal. Time marches on, and as that relay got farther and farther in the past, the feelings that went with it drifted away as well. He did well enough in his studies, he could get into just about any college in Japan or even abroad, but he had no interests besides swimming. His hobbies were minimal, all pushed aside for a dream that had collapsed and not even a miracle could make attainable anymore.

He wasn’t alone, not physically. He had his family, but their support could only be delivered via tearful phone calls. He had his teammates, but he didn’t know any of them, never bothered. And he had Rin.

But Rin was painful, on a whole other level.

Rin didn’t see the shattered mess he was inside (he had a year’s practice of presenting a facade), he saw a mistake that could be rebuilt from, a new starting point. Sousuke knew the truth. His shoulder was an end of an era, one that comprised of his whole life, not beginning of the rest of it. He could move away, not on.

_“Sousuke, maybe-”_

There were no maybes. Only definites.

Sousuke was something broken, beyond repair.

And he lived with that.

That’s all he could do, really. Put on a mask, say what he’s accepted, and kept breathing. He could find another career to aspire too. Maybe he could teach, or coach. Live vicariously through people younger than him.

He was like a ghost, a relic that haunted the living and saw the world through their eyes. He was a sorrowful creature now, he thought, no longer the prideful beast he once was.

But time marches on, and so would he.

* * *

 “Sousuke.”

The way Rin looked at him, with those clear as a bright summer’s day eyes, that selfish and determined gaze, stirred dead emotions in his heart.

He hated it.

“I know I’m being selfish when I said you can swim again.”

_You’re aware of it, huh._

“Look, I was only saying that because it hurt, to see you like that. I thought maybe determination was what you needed.”

_You can’t fix shattered glass with sheer force of will._

“I was an asshole. I’m sorry. Look, I know that you...shit, you’re probably still in pain. And not just your shoulder, I mean.”

_Not news to me._

“I want to be better about this now. So I won’t make you any more empty promises, no, I won’t make _you_ give _me_ any more empty promises. I’m leaving, and when I come back is up in the air, so I didn’t want to go while you think I’m disappointed in you.”

What Rin was saying was what he should have been saying all along.

But for some reason it still hurt. To have that last person admit he was a broken wreck.

“But don’t, even for a second, think that you’re done for.”

_Shut up-_

“You’re stronger than me. I would have given up by now, just shut down. I did that already, actually, but all I was doing was making an ass of myself, I didn’t lose my chances forever. But you’re tough, and whatever you think, _you are not broken_. You can coach, you can teach, you can still swim, even if you just have to slow down a little bit.”

_What?_

_How would you know-_

“I know you. You will never, ever be over it. You don’t get over anything, man. You remember age old promises like they were made yesterday, and I know you have a few grudges you’re taking to your grave.”

_Look, I know it was just a spelling test but-_

“But you can do new things. I can’t make any promises that you’ll be fulfilled, but if you don’t even try, what’s the damn point in swimming that last race? What would have been the point in coming back to just ruin your shoulder for good if you didn’t have a backup plan? I think you were more prepared deep down that you thought.”

_Are you tearing up?_

“I won’t let this time be like the last time. I’m going to Skype you every day, even when I know you won’t see if. You’re going to call me, no more unsent or unread letters. I’m going to be like your annoying mom and ask about your progress. If you applied to college. I’m not going to just watch while you suffer any more.”

_People are looking at us now-_

“I’m still being an ass about this, demanding all this from you. But sometimes you need me to be an ass to get you to do things. So I’ll be a jerk, until I think you don’t need it any more. And I’ll come back, or you’ll come to me, and we’ll be that team that we were again. I’m not going to cut out of your life anymore. Because I care about you, and want to see you go places, Sousuke.

So you can think you’re broken or whatever. I can’t stop you. But I’ll pick up your pieces and shove them back in your stupid face until you glue them together. The final product can look and feel like shit but I promise you’ll feel better afterwards. Feeling like shit is better than feeling like fucking shit. It’s gonna hurt forever. That’s life. I don’t want it, I know you don’t want it.”

_You’re pretty demanding for someone who’s leaving in half an hour._

“I’ve been pushy since I was a kid, but I was letting it out in the wrong ways before. So now I’m going to use my dick-ish tendencies to help you. If you ignore me, I’ll hope on the first plane home I can and punch you. Count on it.”

_I’d like to see you try._

“You are worth something, Sousuke. Even if you break every damn joint in your body until you can’t even look at a pool or you’ll feel pain. You were and always be important to me and a whole bunch of people. Heck, why not try and be a motivational speaker? Warn future athletes about not fucking up like you. Even your mistakes, your big mistake, can still become something. You don’t want to hear this, won’t ever, but I’ll keep saying it, someone will keep saying it until it gets into your thick skull.”

_...Are you done?_

“I’ve said my piece. I’ll be the little shit head on your shoulder until you’ve picked yourself up.”

Rin held out his fist like he expected a fist bump.

Sousuke gently tapped his knuckles against his.

The feeling stayed on his fingers.

The words _I don’t deserve this_ were right on his tongue, but he bit them back, knowing exactly what reaction he’d get. Maybe getting an earful from his most important person at an airport was exactly what he needed. He was still beyond proper repair inside, but he could now see the separate pieces, and could maybe envision haphazardly slapping them back together.

 

_..._

_..._

_..._

_..._

 

 

 

 _Thank you._ •

**Author's Note:**

> It's supposed to be sort of unclear whether or not Sousuke's reactions in italics are his thoughts or are spoken. Rin's words sort of respond to them but also don't? Man I just poured my feelings onto the page I hope it worked.


End file.
